Category: Judging

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.

Philippians 2:1-2

For many individuals in strained marriages, where constant fighting or a cloud of anger seems to dominate, the thought of divorce can feel like the only escape. When the love that once bonded a couple seems to have faded, and all hope feels lost, divorce can seem like a viable solution—even for those who once held firm beliefs about the sanctity of marriage. But is it truly the only option?

I remember a time when my own marriage was on the brink of collapse. Divorce wasn’t something I had ever envisioned, especially not coming from my covenant bride. But when the day came and I was served divorce papers, it hit me like a punch to the gut. Even after I moved out of our home, I held onto the belief that reconciliation would come quickly. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, yet with each passing day, my wife’s anger grew deeper. Despite initially telling me she wasn’t interested in pursuing divorce, the speed and intensity with which she began severing all ties between us was shocking.

Looking back now, years later, I can see clearly why the idea of divorce became so appealing to her. In many ways, I had given her little reason to stay in the marriage. I had allowed anger, selfishness, and harshness to take root. I stopped being loving, supportive, and attentive, and instead became distant, abrasive, and self-centered. I had allowed sin to creep in, creating a wedge between us. For my wife, the only way out of the pain she was enduring seemed to be a clean break—a way to stop the suffering that felt endless.

Coming from a Christian background, my wife knew well how God views divorce. She understood the deep harm it causes, especially when children are involved. But even with this understanding, she convinced herself that divorce was the only way forward—that it was the only path that could possibly lead her back to happiness and peace.

As I struggled to understand her decision, I began to see the external influences that were guiding her toward this painful choice. There were counselors who, without Scriptural grounding, encouraged her to pursue divorce. There were “Christian” friends who refused to speak truth into her life. And, of course, the internet was filled with voices that reinforced her desire to end the marriage. Sadly, she wasn’t seeking counsel from those who might have prompted her to search her own heart, to consider the possibility of healing, or to explore other options. Divorce had become the clear answer in her mind.

The sad truth is that many people today share this mindset. They feel as though they’ve exhausted every other option and that divorce is the only remaining choice. My wife was in this exact place. But looking back, I realize that there was one more option—a hidden path that she couldn’t see at the time. This path wasn’t easy or convenient. It wasn’t about finding an instant fix. It required humility, submission, and a willingness to obey the principles of Scripture. It was a choice rooted in faith and biblical obedience.

As Christians, we are called to the highest standard in our relationships. God’s Word makes it clear why He hates divorce, and also outlines the rare, specific circumstances under which it may be permissible. There’s no room for compromise or bending the rules. Yet in today’s culture, it’s all too easy to dismiss these hard teachings in favor of emotions, feelings, and well-intentioned advice from friends and family. But if we are truly honest with ourselves, we must ask: What is the God-honoring path?

It’s crucial to remember that marriages can be saved from divorce, but it requires a deep, unwavering commitment from both the husband and wife. One spouse alone cannot carry the weight of this effort. And at the heart of any effort to restore a marriage, there must be an unwavering devotion to Christ. When both spouses align their lives with Him, their relationship begins to change. They grow in understanding, unity, and love. What once were two separated individuals—both sinners in need of redemption—become one united couple, working together to honor God and build His kingdom.

True reconciliation isn’t just about fixing the issues of the moment—it’s about renewing the marriage through the transformative power of Christ. And this path, though difficult, can lead to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship than either spouse ever thought possible.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-5

We all recognize the crucial role of scorekeeping in various aspects of life. It provides the framework for understanding victory and defeat, allowing us to measure progress and assess relative strengths. Scorekeeping is essential in determining how much more or how little one side compares with the other. Whether it’s a sports game, a business competition, or even an academic quiz, scorekeeping helps us understand our performance and the performance of others.

While scorekeeping is necessary for a host of situations, there is one environment where scorekeeping can be particularly destructive and harmful: marriage. In this sphere, the constant tallying of who does more chores, who contributes more financially, or who sacrificed more, can create an atmosphere of resentment and competition. This focus on “keeping score” undermines the foundation of trust, intimacy, and mutual support that are essential for a successful and fulfilling marriage.

Within our relationships, we often engage in an unconscious and often inaccurate form of scorekeeping. We meticulously track the positive contributions we believe we make, mentally awarding ourselves points for acts of kindness, helpfulness, and sacrifice.

However, this internal ledger also includes a less flattering column: a record of our perceived transgressions by our covenant partner. We mentally deduct points for perceived slights, forgotten anniversaries, or perceived failures to meet our expectations. While this may seem trivial or even childish, the impact of this unconscious scorekeeping can be devastating. This constant, internal tallying of perceived debts and credits creates resentment, undermines trust, and ultimately erodes the foundation of a healthy and loving marriage.

Christian husbands and wives are called to a partnership, not a competition. The foundation of a Christian marriage rests on mutual love, respect, and support, where both partners strive to build each other up and work towards shared goals. Maintaining a scorecard of perceived grievances or contributions within a marriage is detrimental to this sacred union. It fosters resentment, undermines trust, and creates an environment of negativity and competition. Instead of focusing on who “wins” or “loses” within the relationship, Christian couples should prioritize unity, forgiveness, and selfless service to one another.

Do you find yourself constantly craving recognition and appreciation from your spouse, feeling entitled to it as if it were a debt that must be repaid? Are your emotions easily swayed by their words and actions, fluctuating wildly depending on whether you feel valued or slighted? If so, it’s crucial to examine the true priorities in your mind and spirit. Perhaps you need to consider who truly sits atop the throne of your own heart. As believers, we aren’t tasked with keeping score. Rather, it is our obligation and duty to foster an environment were our spouse is made stronger and rests in closer harmony with Almighty God.

As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.

PROVERBS 27:17

No matter your current marital circumstances, embrace this new season with a renewed commitment to Christ. Let your focus remain steadfast on Him, seeking to align your every action with His perfect will. Surrender the pride that fuels the illusion of entitlement. Let go of the expectation of what you believe you deserve. The sooner you prioritize Christ above your ego, the more deeply you will experience harmony and fellowship with God and with your spouse.